Workplace conflicts are annoying and incredibly unproductive. Just like in private relationships, fighting is exhausting. Imagine a world without conflicts! Wouldn’t that be great?
Really? Of course, it would be lovely if life always were harmonious. But, if I’m honest with myself, some of the most profound lessons I’ve learned have been the result of me facing a conflict (with myself or others) and getting to the bottom of it. This is also true of the work I do with individuals, teams, and organizations: Development is almost always the result of confrontation. So, let’s reframe conflict: Conflicts are almost always productive. And they offer a great opportunity for growth and development. That’s because conflicts show us:
Where change needs to happen
Where disagreement needs to be taken seriously
Where bridges between different parts of a team or an organization need to be built
Where curiosity, rather than persuasion, is necessary (“You seem to have a different perspective than I do. Can you please tell me more?”)
On an individual level, our ability to handle conflict varies greatly. Looking at myself, in my role as executive coach and consultant, I find it fairly easy to face a conflict and hold steady, because I am able to observe impartially from the outside. The story is very different when it comes to my personal life: There, I am part of the system, and I need to stand up for my own interests. As you can see, one’s ability to tolerate conflicts varies depending on the situation (and not only on one’s personal inclinations).
If you are a person who panics as soon as conflict surfaces, your impulse might be to run, or to freeze, or to intervene to restore harmony. Perhaps you try to offer quick fixes or play down the conflict all together. However, if those are the only action options available to you, you’ll have a hard time exercising leadership effectively (exercising leadership? You can read more about what I mean by that here). Exercising leadership is difficult when you prevent conflicts from surfacing and being resolved by those people who are party to the conflict.
Building a stomach for conflict is a skill that can be learned, just like you’ve likely learned how to swim or how to ride a bicycle. The first step is allowing the conflict to surface – not solving it. Here are five strategies you can apply the next time you encounter a conflict:
1. Tell yourself: “What a great opportunity to build my stomach for conflict!”
2. Take a moment to get in touch with your emotions. Assess your feelings of tension on a scale from 0-10, where zero means “no tension at all” and ten means “the most tense I have ever felt.” Describe your feelings. Tell yourself, “I have this feeling – but I am not the feeling.”
3. When holding steady and saying nothing at all is no longer an option, name the feeling that is “in the air” (rather than solutions or measures to fix the situation). For example, you can say: “I have the impression that many of us are annoyed. Why is that the case? What is going on here?”
4. Ask yourself in a quiet moment afterwards: “What is difficult for me about tolerating conflict? What is being triggered in me right now?” This will help you to understand what limits your ability to tolerate conflict. Your answer will also help you to pinpoint a personal growth edge 😉
5. Do take criticism seriously – but don’t take it personally. Instead, view critical feedback in the context of the role you are in in that moment. An example: Your team is overworked and voices their frustrations at you, their manager. Their criticism is directed at how you are practicing your role as manager, but it is not directed at you, the person.
I hope you find these strategies helpful for building your stomach for conflict! You may find that you come up with additional strategies. Having said all of this, I must acknowledge: There are also conflicts that lead to nothing or are even harmful. Have a look at my next blogpost to find out how to distinguish productive from unproductive conflicts.